You guys are welcome. For the past four weeks, I have watched and taken extensive notes on ABC’s The Bachelor. An excruciating process, but I do it for your enjoyment. I am selfless that way. If you are a fan of the show, I promise very few spoilers, but I must warn you that I will be tearing The Bachelor a new one, so read with caution if your feelings are easily hurt. That being said, oh my golly this show is the worst. The basic premise, for those of you who pretend not to watch but secretly do, goes thusly: A single fella (aka “The Bachelor”) meets 20+ single women who, for the duration of the show, live together in a mansion. He goes on “dates” with these women, sometimes with 8 or 9 ladies at a time, sometimes “one-on-one”, eliminating girls along the way until he is left with two and decides between them which he wants to marry. This season features “the first Latin Bachelor” Juan Pablo. He hopes to find a wife for himself and a stepmother for his daughter Camilla. Juan Pablo is very handsome and seems to be a good father to Camilla, but as we know, reality TV can make us believe anything.
I have been on a reality dating show, so I know how it works. Of course, if The Bachelor is Oprah, then the show I was on is Jerry Springer, but they’re all the same behind the scenes. I know, as I’m sure you all do, that the producers manipulate situations and feed the contestants “suggestions” for what to say and do. When I was kicked off my show and my reaction was “Thank you very much, where’s my check and please show me to my limo,” the producer flat out told me “We’re gonna need you to be angrier in your exit interview.” Oh, okay. I can totally be angry about getting turned down by a guy with whom I have spent a collective 25 minutes. I have more intimate relationships with servers at Buffalo Wild Wings than this guy, and I was the last girl to go. The producers do not want the contestants talking to “the guy” off camera and it is probably the same on The Bachelor meaning, when the girls say “I am really falling in love with him,” they are “falling in love” with a guy who can measure his relationship with her in hours. Call me old fashioned, but I believe that you cannot fall in love with someone until you have dated through no less than two types of weather. What if you “fall in love” with a guy during the winter, but then in the summer he starts wearing flip flops as shoes?? THEN YOU ARE STUCK! Better to be safe than sorry.
The first episode of The Bachelor is always uncomfortable. The women try too hard to make a good first impression, usually with a gimmick, which the producers encourage. One or two contestants always drink too much and act foolish, which the producers also encourage. On the show I did, they offered us wine, champagne, liquor, first thing in the morning. “Thanks, but I generally try to wait until after 9 o’clock in the morning to get hammered.” The first episode of The Bachelor is also when we learn the ladies’ occupations. It is amazing what some of these girls can make a living doing. My favorites this season are Lucy the “Free Spirit”, Kelly the “Dog Lover”, and Amy the “News Reporter”. Amy’s gimmick was, instead of getting to know Juan Pablo like a regular human person, she interviewed him, fake microphone and all, like he was the sole witness to a horrifying train wreck…which, metaphorically, he was.
The second episode of The Bachelor is when they start having all the dates and several girls can already totally see themselves marrying the guy. Juan Pablo’s first one-on-one date was with a girl named Clare. They went to an artificial winter wonderland in the middle of LA where she told him, in a hot tub of course, that her father had passed recently and basically no man could ever live up to him. Excellent first-date move. Then they slow danced in their bathing suits, in the snow, to a live performance by Josh Krajcik(?) who Clare acted like she was a big fan of, but I seriously doubt it because I don’t think anyone has ever heard of this guy and anyway, who is that live performance comfortable for? I mean, with only two people in the audience, do you listen attentively? Sing along? I’m sure this Josh guy was happy that they were dancing instead of awkwardly staring up at him, but he probably was hoping they’d put some clothes on. And I know Clare’s dad, who she said in a voiceover was “watching us right now” was also saying, “Put on some pants, Clare!”
On the second one-on-one date of the episode, Juan Pablo took Kat on a private jet to a surprise location. Kat speculates they could be going to Miami or New York, but wherever it is, she could get used to this. Do not get used to it, Kat. It is doubtful that “former soccer player” Juan Pablo can afford a private jet without ABC’s help since no occupation without “former” as a precursor has been mentioned. On the plane, Juan Pablo appears, “surprise”, in a track suit and tells Kat they are going to Salt Lake City (seriously?) to run a 5K and Kat thinks this is an awesome idea. If it’s me, this is when I ask to pull the jet over and drop me off. I would rather get serial murdered on a date than run even ONE mile. Seriously, spread the word, I have no interest in going on a date that involves any kind of exercise. Even if it is that race where you run two miles and get a box of doughnuts at the end. Do not let them fool you! Krispy Kreme has a drive thru and you do not even have to run anywhere.
The other dates have consisted of girls not wanting to do the planned activity, but acquiescing after Juan Pablo tells them “Trust me.” Andi the prosecutor did not want to get naked for a photo shoot, but Juan Pablo told her “trust me” so she stripped down. Seriously, I want to get arrested in her jurisdiction. “No, it is totally cool that I stole all the cheese from this grocery store.” “I don’t know. Seems to me I should press charges…” “Andi, trust me.” “Oh, okay. You’re free to go.” Another girl didn’t want to go bungee jumping, but once she realized how sincere Juan Pablo was in giving her a choice as to whether or not she’d like to jump, she knew that she could trust him. Honey, if that rope breaks, all the trust in the world is not gonna keep your body from becoming one with the sidewalk below. I mean, is that seriously not the stupidest thing you have ever heard in your entire life?? “I’m scared to bungee jump.” “Trust me.” “OH OKAY! I’ll trust YOU that when I jump off this bridge, YOU will ensure that the rope will not break and I’ll come out of this alive. WHAT AN AMAZING GUY!” I’m sorry to yell, but the stupidity on both their parts makes me SO ANGRY.
On this week’s episode, Juan Pablo (re: ABC) takes the girls to Seoul, South Korea, but Clare is not sure if she can go because “I don’t even have a kimono!” I got out my Google to discover that a traditional South Korean garment is a hanbok, not a kimono, but you can probably just wear regular people clothes, Clare, like the majority of all the South Koreans. In South Korea, they have some group dates and maybe a couple of one-on-one dates, I cannot remember, but what I do remember is that the ladies are getting competitive. They all keep calling Juan Pablo their “soul mate”, which is different than their usual moniker for him, “future husband”. I like to imagine they are calling him their “Seoul mate”, but that is probably too clever a pun for any of those girls. Anyway, on the group date, Andi speculates that “Some girls are starting to think about kissing Juan Pablo.” Listen, Andi, if you think girls are just thinking about kissing Juan Pablo, you have not met Sharlene. Sharlene is an opera singer whose personality, it seems, has gotten Botox and who has exchanged more kisses than words with Juan Pablo. On the other hand is single mom Renee who has all but forced her face upon Juan Pablo’s, but he is having none of it. She makes one last attempt by asking, “How would Camilla feel about seeing me kiss her dad?” THAT is your game?? Eww! I have better game than that and my go to is “So you gonna kiss me tonight or is it cool if I eat this garlic bread?” Juan Pablo says in a voiceover, “I would like to kiss Renee but at the same time I’m not thinking about me I’m thinking about Camilla. I wanna make sure that she has a good example of a dad. I’ve kissed 6 girls already and I don’t want my daughter to be seeing her dad kiss 20 girls so I’m gonna take a step back and try to not kiss anybody tonight.” Yeah, because kissing seven girls in one night really is when it starts to get skanky. It doesn’t stop him from kissing another girl 2 minutes later and that is where I take issue with this Juan Pablo character. Listen, buddy, if you want to kiss some girls but not others, just admit it. But do not use your daughter as an excuse because that is just wrong and we’re all calling bull crap anyway.
The main reason I can’t stand The Bachelor goes back to these people not knowing each other. These girls make out with a guy who still has mouth residue from 6 other girls on his face and they claim to love him even though I believe it to be statistically impossible that all 20 girls would fall in love with the same guy. I find it far more believable that at least half the girls would say, “Eh. He doesn’t really do it for me.” But they ALL think he is SO funny and smart (he isn’t). I spend the majority of the TWO HOUR show yelling at the TV, “You don’t know him! Stop kissing! Ew! Don’t lead so much with your tongue on national television! I can hear it…grody!!” Sure, lasting relationships have come out of the show, but to me the whole system is flawed. It grosses me out that all these girls are putting everything on the line for this ONE guy and all he’s giving back is, at best, half of himself because until the proposal, there will always be another girl or 20. And it isn’t real life. It isn’t day to day. For the couples who have “made it”, I bet there was a HUGE adjustment period when they got back to real life. Anyone could fall in love when they don’t have to go to work or pay bills or buy toilet paper. It is easy to impress a girl when all you have to do is pop round to the next mansion over and ABC gives you a helicopter for the date and pays Darius “Hootie” Rucker to provide background music for your candlelit dinner, but how’s it gonna be when you have to drive from West LA to the Valley to pick me up and I order filet mignon at the dinner YOU are paying for and we have to listen to Hootie and the Blowfish on the radio like some kind of Philistines in your broke down car because you have no money after you quit your job to appear on The Bachelor? I have broken up with guys over less.
I know it is “reality” TV which we all know is actually the furthest thing from reality and I should just accept it (or not) for what it is. If the absurdity of The Bachelor—and it IS absurd—makes me so angry, I shouldn’t watch it anymore. It is a free country. I have that choice. So that’s settled. I am not watching The Bachelor anymore. No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’ll watch it. But I’m not gonna like it.
Bonus Fun Fact: In the first hour of this week’s episode, the girls said “like” 80 times. As in “I’m, like, questioning if I should, like, stay, because I, like, don’t know if that’s, like, best for, like, my son.” –Cassandra