Good Tuesday to Ya, hope you all enjoyed your day off. I sure did. I thoroghly enjoyed Joeys post of presidential things, specially them Mrs. Frizzle earrings that girlie OWNS. But Joey, dear, those are Corn Rows NOT Dreads. Dreads look like globules of peanut butter and cat hair balls.
Anyways. TO THE LIST AND BEYOND!!!!
1.) We all know that duct tape and WD-40 can solve all situations. Right? WRONG. WD-40 stands for Water Displacement (Formula #40). Basically it moves all the water out of the way for a little while. What you really need for that squeaky door, is penetration fluid, or a silicon based lubricant. Both of these A) Work better, and longer, and 2) Are way more fun to say when asking the guy at the local hardware store. Hell, even Hardware store is more fun to say than Home Depot, or CVS.
2.) When you are driving down the road and a Bus, or Even a taxi filled with 3-drunk college freshman, YIELD TO THEM. I don’t care that they are slower, or are making you think that you are late. 2 reasons why you need to do this. 1) A bus is bigger than you, and will destroy your car like a sack of rotten apples. 2) These people are using public transportation for a variety of reasons. Maybe their car is in the shop because they tried to cut off a bus, maybe they cant afford their own personal transportation yet because someone held them up at knife point last week when they were traveling their life savings of cash to the bank, only to realize at the end of the robbery that it wasn’t a knife, but one of those really cool switchblade COMBS that only the one cool kid had in third grade and your parents wouldn’t let you get one because they thought it was dangerous and would make you into a criminal, or maybe they are trying to keep just ONE more car off the road. In Los Angeles, we need more cars off the road, people live out of their cars for a reason, AND we have a smog problem. Its disgusting, and that idiot overtaking the accordion bus on the entrance to the 405 needs to go. If you see him, slap a sticker on it that says they cant drive. Give them the bird, and drive on happier, knowing that you have made the world a better place.
3.) Ronald, my Singaporean friend, and self proclaimed rice expert, protested me via Facebook last week after giving you misinformation. There IS a way to save left over rice. Ron states that if you sprinkle just a little bit of water on before microwaving your grains, they will re-absorb the moisture and be fit to eat again. Now, I trust Ron. I trust him with my life, and would gladly back him up in a knife fight. HOWEVER, I think there needs to be further testing, either you aren’t supposed to use an 1800W microwave for 3 bites of rice, OR, Ron did not mention that he has mystical powers that make his rice more delicious than mine. I’ve had his rice, its spectacular. The again, there is something to say about me only making white rice.
4.) You know those you go out on Sunday and you order yourself a big old fashion bucket of hot wings. Wash it down with a tall cool glass of your favorite suds. You go to bed not worrying about how your just racked up about 30000 points on weight watchers, and dream good dreams about living on that deserted island with your three favorite things and what not. The next day you go to work, grab that nice refreshing, healthy bowl of oatmeal and raisins, sit down at your desk, flip the I/O button on your company bought, 8 year old IBM, listen for that very recognizable sound of you hard drive whirring up, the floppy drive that you haven’t used, or even remembered you have clicking to check for a inserted disk, that guy 3 cubicles down saying good morning to absolutely everybody, and a new strange bubbling sound that you originally think is Dale from accounting getting his morning cup of water from the cooler, still wearing his skin tight, fluorescent bicycle gear from his ride to work, yelling over his music from his iPod. You turn around, and DALE isn’t there. Nope, that bubbling sound, that’s last night B-Dubs and Brew coming back to haunt you. You just booted up the computer, haven’t even had the chance to log in and you are already sprinting down the hall to your 9:15 Meeting with the Porcelain Prince. Now you have to schedule another 3-4 of these meetings before lunch. The low part, is that your company doesn’t ever spring for the Charmin Ultra Soft, they buy the SISCO commercial Grade 30 Grit, triple recycled s#!t-tickets that feel more like a potato peeler than a cleaning mechanism for the lower opening of the human torus. With all that friction, as well as the hot sauce flowing out, you are left with a ring of fire that even Johnny Cash him self would not sing about. Stay away from butter, stay away from cheese, what you need now is Vaseline. Yes, the wünder-substance from last week appears again. Apparently, (I have yet to try this, but it seems to be an evidence based finding), if you take a fingertip sized globule and run that over the….place…prior to round one. Bam, one wipe and you are done, and there is a barrier between yourself and the capsaicin you consumed the night before. You save the trees, comfort, and time. (this, along with many crazy life hacks can be found on Reddit, with some digging, you will find this amazing list http://imgur.com/a/zyii8)
5.) If you are ever feeling down on yourself, thinking that you haven’t accomplished anything, remember these two things, you were faster than 15 MILLION other sperm, you won. And, Weird Al Yankovic got White n’ Nerdy onto Billboard’s top 10, that was nearly 3 DECADES into his career. In the words of Tim Allen as Jason Nesmith in Galaxy Quest. Never Give Up! NEVER SURRENDER!
The Rocketeer is on, my attention MUST be put towards this cinematic masterpiece.
Thats all from me for now. Come back tomorrow and check out the next installment of What Ya Cant Stand Wednesdays.