Tuesday’s Tips: Just the Tips, to See How it Reads.

Good Tuesday to Ya,  hope you all enjoyed your day off.  I sure did.  I thoroghly enjoyed Joeys post of presidential things, specially them Mrs. Frizzle earrings that girlie OWNS.  But Joey, dear, those are Corn Rows NOT Dreads.  Dreads look like globules of peanut butter and cat hair balls.

 

Anyways.  TO THE LIST AND BEYOND!!!!

Dubbya-D is not always the answer

1.)   We all know that duct tape and WD-40 can solve all situations. Right?  WRONG.   WD-40 stands for Water Displacement (Formula #40).   Basically it moves all the water out of the way for a little while.  What you really need for that squeaky door, is penetration fluid, or a silicon based lubricant.  Both of these A) Work better, and longer, and 2) Are way more fun to say when asking the guy at the local hardware store.  Hell, even Hardware store is more fun to say than Home Depot, or CVS.

Couldnt find a good pic of someone passing a bus, Here is Glassjaw getting punched in the face. I guess he decided to drive on the curb around the MT A: PunchOut Bus

2.)   When you are driving down the road and a Bus, or Even a taxi filled with 3-drunk college freshman, YIELD TO THEM.  I don’t care that they are slower, or are making you think that you are late.  2 reasons why you need to do this. 1) A bus is bigger than you, and will destroy your car like a sack of rotten apples. 2) These people are using public transportation for a variety of reasons.  Maybe their car is in the shop because they tried to cut off a bus, maybe they cant afford their own personal transportation yet because someone held them up at knife point last week when they were traveling their life savings of cash to the bank, only to realize at the end of the robbery that it wasn’t a knife, but one of those really cool switchblade COMBS that only the one cool kid had in third grade and your parents wouldn’t let you get one because they thought it was dangerous and would make you into a criminal, or maybe they are trying to keep just ONE more car off the road.  In Los Angeles, we need more cars off the road, people live out of their cars for a reason, AND we have a smog problem.  Its disgusting, and that idiot overtaking the accordion bus on the entrance to the 405 needs to go.  If you see him, slap a sticker on it that says they cant drive. Give them the bird, and drive on happier, knowing that you have made the world a better place.

Couldn’t post a beautiful picture of ron without asking. This is the Flag of Singapore.

3.)   Ronald, my Singaporean friend, and self proclaimed rice expert, protested me via Facebook last week after giving you misinformation.  There IS a way to save left over rice.  Ron states that if you sprinkle just a little bit of water on before microwaving your grains, they will re-absorb the moisture and be fit to eat again.  Now, I trust Ron.  I trust him with my life, and would gladly back him up in a knife fight.  HOWEVER, I think there needs to be further testing, either you aren’t supposed to use an 1800W microwave for 3 bites of rice, OR, Ron did not mention that he has mystical powers that make his rice more delicious than mine.  I’ve had his rice, its spectacular.  The again, there is something to say about me only making white rice.

Hot Wings – You might as well put the toilet paper in the freezer now….or do you???

4.)   You know those you go out on Sunday and you order yourself a big old fashion bucket of hot wings.  Wash it down with a tall cool glass of your favorite suds.  You go to bed not worrying about how your just racked up about 30000 points on weight watchers, and dream good dreams about living on that deserted island with your three favorite things and what not.  The next day you go to work, grab that nice refreshing, healthy bowl of oatmeal and raisins, sit down at your desk, flip the I/O button on your company bought, 8 year old IBM, listen for that very recognizable sound of you hard drive whirring up, the floppy drive that you haven’t used, or even remembered you have clicking to check for a inserted disk, that guy 3 cubicles down saying good morning to absolutely everybody, and a new strange bubbling sound that you originally think is Dale from accounting getting his morning cup of water from the cooler, still wearing his skin tight, fluorescent bicycle gear from his ride to work, yelling over his music from his iPod.  You turn around, and DALE isn’t there.  Nope, that bubbling sound, that’s last night B-Dubs and Brew coming back to haunt you.  You just booted up the computer, haven’t even had the chance to log in and you are already sprinting down the hall to your 9:15 Meeting with the Porcelain Prince.  Now you have to schedule another 3-4 of these meetings before lunch.  The low part, is that your company doesn’t ever spring for the Charmin Ultra Soft, they buy the SISCO commercial Grade 30 Grit, triple recycled s#!t-tickets that feel more like a potato peeler than a cleaning mechanism for the lower opening of the human torus.  With all that friction, as well as the hot sauce flowing out, you are left with a ring of fire that even Johnny Cash him self would not sing about.  Stay away from butter, stay away from cheese, what you need now is Vaseline.  Yes, the wünder-substance from last week appears again.  Apparently, (I have yet to try this, but it seems to be an evidence based finding), if you take a fingertip sized globule and run that over the….place…prior to round one.  Bam, one wipe and you are done, and there is a barrier between yourself and the capsaicin you consumed the night before.  You save the trees, comfort, and time.  (this, along with many crazy life hacks can be found on Reddit, with some digging, you will find this amazing list http://imgur.com/a/zyii8)

Weird Al

5.)   If you are ever feeling down on yourself, thinking that you haven’t accomplished anything, remember these two things, you were faster than 15 MILLION other sperm, you won.  And, Weird Al Yankovic got White n’ Nerdy onto Billboard’s top 10, that was nearly 3 DECADES into his career.  In the words of Tim Allen as Jason Nesmith in Galaxy Quest.  Never Give Up! NEVER SURRENDER!

The Rocketeer is on, my attention MUST be put towards this cinematic masterpiece.

Look at that cartoon booty.

 

 

 

Thats all from me for now.  Come back tomorrow and check out the next installment of What Ya Cant Stand Wednesdays.

Tuesday’s Tips: Some things you might not know, some things you might, and some things you probably shouldnt.

Hi everybody, happy Tuesday!  Before I get into who I am, and what I am doing here, let me introduce you to the New Zealand Rugby Team, The All Blacks.

My name is Jeremy, and that, ladies and germs, is the Haka.; a Maori war dance that the All Blacks perform prior to the start of the game.  Traditionally, the opponent will stand arms interlocked across from the All Blacks during the performance and, sometimes, will respond with a dance of their own.  That is if their balls haven’t already packed up and gotten on the next plane to the arctic shelf, where they can safely hide far from the epic display of testosterone that was just shot forth at them like a flak gun at a swarm of mosquitoes. 

I never played sports in high school.  I did play soccer up until the 8th grade, and was a spring-board diver, (yes, I proudly dawned a speedo), for two years after that.  Now, as a tax paying, bill hating, hard working adult, my physical workouts, include 20-30 reps of television remote curls, and walking my dog.

My question is, why, in a situation where I am at work having a bad Monday, or walking down the street to a job interview, can’t I do my own war dance in public.  Just stand on the corner of Barham and Forrest Lawn, beat my chest as hard as I can screaming, “I WILL KILL IT IN THIS INTERVIEW. I WONT FART IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM ASKING ME WHAT MY GREATEST WEAKNESS IS THIS TIME.”  Because I’d be bat-s#!t crazy that’s why.

RANDOM INTERLUDE:  In case you missed it, Joey used the word titular in her latest post.  It was both proper usage, and hilarious because it the word contains tit. RANDOM INTERLUDE OVER

What is it about wearing a uniform, throwing and catching a ball, that allows people to, drop all social reflexes and act like a drunken hobo after someone believes their sign says that they just need 84 more cents to hop on the bus to go visit their mother in the hospital cause she has gangrene, and his ex wife took the kids but she’s addicted to meth and he cant afford a lawyer and just wants his kids back so they can grow up, go to college, and become an astronaut dentist?  Even the fans; at the game, you can say the most OUTRAGEOUS things, and strangers will not only love you for it, THEY WILL JOIN YOU.  Our dynamic duo out of Alabama, who also wont shut up about Tide football even in the offseason, can go to games and screech out,

Hey Auburn!
We’re gonna beat the hell out of you!
Rammer Jammer, Yellowhammer, give ’em hell, Alabama!

Rammer Jammer?  What does that even mean?  If I was waiting in line at the super market and someone was perusing the vegetable isle on the first day of their diet, and they pumped them selves up for some cauliflower by singing that, two things would come to mind.

1)    I would have to call Black Betty an Ambulance.

B) Someone is about to get a whole lot friendlier with an avocado.

I would probably call up the doctors at Bellvue and have them prepare a padded room, on the other coast, for that well-intentioned shopper.  However, if someone had tossed a pig skin, baseball, or hell even a Frisbee (the lesser-lesser-respected-but-still-an-integral-piece-of-sports-equipment).  I would carry on with my selection of Red Baron single serving pizza dishes and cranberry juice without a care in the world.

This also gives me a perfect opportunity to give a little stab to my cousin Daryl, a graduate of Rutgers University.  (Graduating from a school in the same football conference has grown a small rivalry between us).  The Rutgers fans have this little gem to spur on their Scarlet Knights.

R-U Rah Rah!

R-U Rah Rah!

Hoo-Rah! Hoo-Rah!

Rutgers Rah!

Upstream Redteam

Redteam Upstream

Rah! Rah! Rutgers Rah

I find it hard that even on the field not just one, but many people, can have agreed to scream about their team’s menstruation cycle.  But those from Jersey, have found a way.

And now, what you all didn’t even realize you were waiting for.  The list.  My gift to you.  These are simple suggestions that I have picked up along this lovely road of life that I feel make me a better person.  This is my way of saying thank you to all the people across the wide open intertrons.

1)    Perform your war dances with others only when sports equipment is within eyeshot.  (Practicing in the bathroom at home is acceptable provided you are at least wearing a towel; War dances while naked aren’t war dances, they are something else.)

2)    Valentines day is coming up, don’t be a fool, wrap your…..leftovers in a doggie bag.  Don’t waste that food.  Unless it’s rice.  I can never get leftover rice to have any other texture than dried pine needles.

3)    Vaseline can be used for a variety of things.  The next time you dye your hair, take a glob and throw it along your hairline.  That way that very visible portion of your skin on your where your widows peak meets your roots wont turn out non skin colored.

4)    Put a rubber band in the grooves in the screws you created while using the wrong size Phillips head while making you’re HUEKSEUHN corner bookshelf from IKEA.  The rubber will twist and catch and you can get that pesky sucker out.

5)    Just because you think there is a theme of something, sometimes things come from left field.  Let it happen.  Just let it happen.

Thusly, I’m going to watch the rest of Bridesmaids with my dog.  Make sure to come back tomorrow when Cherie throws Yellowhammers at things she can’t stand.

 

Thankful Thursday: Spanish Speaking Co-Workers

By Stacia Riley

As much as I’d love to learn at least five different languages with help from such programs as Rosetta Stone, I do not (yet) have an extra $10,000 lying around.  Nor do I have $2,000 to learn just one.  You better believe when my mom wins Powerball, she’s getting me Rosetta Stone.  And a puppy.

Fortunately, I work with a bounty of Spanish speakers, and they have agreed to teach me useful phrases to help me learn the language.  If I could commit to immersing myself and speaking ONLY Spanish with them I’d learn a lot quicker, but sometimes I can’t stand it anymore and pout, “¡No comprende!” to which they kindly start speaking English.

Now, it’s no Rosetta Stone, but it IS free.  And I AM learning useful phrases…
“¿Tienes más cuchillos?”
“Necesito bolsas de basura.”
“¿Dónde quieres los platos sucios?”

Although outside of catering, “Do you have more knives?”, “I need trash bags.”, and “Where do you want the dirty plates?” could sound like I’m trying to get rid of a knifed body – if “dirty plates” was the code word for “body.”

There is, however, one sentence that has proved useful no matter where I am.  When I hear two men speaking Spanish it’s fun to ask, “¿Tus estás hablando a mí?”  Sometimes they laugh.  Sometimes they’re embarrassed. Granted, until I learn more Spanish I will not know if my question, “Are you talking about me?” is being asked at the right time.  For all I know, they could be talking about cupcakes or pit bulls.  But it’s still fun to see their reaction when a white girl calls ‘em out in Spanish – especially if they are talking about me, and lets face it they usually are.

So watch yourselves, Spanish Speakers, it may be a slow process but I’m learning!  And soon enough I will understand what you’re saying about me.  And it better be good.  

Thankful Thursday: Caller ID

By Stacia Riley
Do you remember back in the day (I feel old for saying those words) when your landline corded phone rang and you wondered who was calling?  Sometimes it was a pleasant surprise like the local radio station letting you know you won tickets to the Third Eye Blind concert.  Third Eye Blind?  I’m really dating myself now.  Other times you’d answer and immediately wish you hadn’t when you realize it’s that creepy kid from school and you’re wondering how to get off the phone without being blatantly rude, why he doesn’t get the hint, and how he got your number in the first place…oh right, the phone book.  Which, by the way, it makes me laugh that they still deliver them.  Don’t they know phone books go right in the dumpster?  Or in my case become a booster seat in movie theatres.  Stop wasting paper; no one uses them anymore.  What we do use is caller ID.  There is no suspense anymore, but there are also no unwanted surprises.

What’s even better is assigning special ringtones to certain callers so you don’t even have to look to know you don’t want to answer the phone.  Brilliant.  “Caution: do not answer this phone call.  The person calling is either annoying, clingy, bad in bed, or won’t shut the f*** up.  Just let it ring.  You’re welcome.”

Maybe next time I need excitement in my day I’ll answer without looking at the caller ID.  I’m such an adrenaline junkie.  

 

Thankful Thursday: Frozen Grapes

By Stacia Riley

Before I get into the loveliness that is frozen grapes I’m gonna do mine own What Can’t Ya Stand bit.  And here it is: spiders.  Sneaky little bastards!  Upon returning home from work I hunkered down to write about grapes, but to my horror found a nasty ass spider the size of my eye chillin’ right on my keyboard.  I couldn’t smash it or spray it while on my keys – smart spider.  I cautiously went about my business: watched some Olympics, ate a snack and returned to find it gone.  Yay!  But wait…where did it go?  It was on my bed!  Ewwwwww!  In the 3 seconds it took to grab the bug spray and a shoe, it had disappeared again.  For the next five minutes I gingerly moved every article of clothing haphazardly strewn on the bed (give my messy room a break, it’s been a busy week).  I was determined to kill that keyboard-squatter, but unfortunately I have yet to find it.  Last time I let a spider live I was able to play connect-the-spider-bites on my face the next morning.  Ungrateful I tell ya!  So please, wish me luck in finding this little bugger before I have to crawl in bed myself.

NOW!  Frozen grapes.  They’re DA bomb.  “Frozen grapes?” you ask.  Yes!  Try them.  Especially when the weather here in LA is going to be so sweaty all week.  They’re refreshing, good for your skin, low in calories, and hurt like hell when you chuck them at someone who pissed you off.  Along that note, I don’t recommend throwing them in the air and catching them in your mouth like popcorn.  Unless you’re good at it.  Or don’t have any teeth – cause it’ll hurt.  I used to eat popsicles all the time during the summer.  I also used to be 20 pounds fluffier.  (Tip: de-stem, wash, and then put in a bowl to freeze.  It’s easier to grab a handful that way.)  Tomorrow I’m heading to Sprouts to stock up on grapes.  I’m partial to green when frozen but I double dog dare you to taste test for yourself.  You can’t say no to a double dog dare.

Okay…time to look for Mr. Spidey again.

Thankful Thursday: Christian Bale & Peyton Manning

By Stacia Riley

Thankful Thursday: Christian Bale & Peyton Manning

Since last Friday not a day has passed that I have not seen a Facebook post concerning the shooting in Aurora.  We’ve all been touched by the stories of heroes, felt heartache for the victims, and animosity toward the gunman.  Or at least I hope we all have. 

Most of our blog posts are kept light and humorous, but today
 I’m taking the time to genuinely thank Christian Bale and Peyton Manning, as well as the countless unnamed supporters, who continue to do what they can for the victims and their families of that horrifying night.  None of the survivors would care if I walked into their hospital room to cheer them up (Bale), or give them a ring on the telly (Manning), because I’m just Stacia.  It’s admirable that these famous men took time to show they care, but it’s also admirable that so many of us non-famous people are doing whatever we can as well.  I may not have been there that night, but Aurora is my home – my community – my people, and all the acts of support no matter how small restore some hope in humanity.  I’m reminded that there is more love and kindness in the world than there is malice, and I’m grateful for that. 

Read more on Peyton’s call here

http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/blog/eye-on-football/19634188/broncos-quarterback-peyton-manning-calls-victims-of-aurora-shooting-to-offer-support