What Can’t Ya Stand Wednesday–Before 10AM

I am not a morning person. Never have been, gonna go out on a limb here and say, never will be. If I have to wake up before 9AM, the world is a cruel and unjust place. I do not like to speak words or even see another human face until after 10AM and 2 cups of coffee. And why should I have to? Who decided a workday should start so early? The King? Oprah? Last I checked, those two weren’t in charge anymore. A typical work schedule begins at 8 or 9AM, but today, I had to be at work at 6 o’clock in the morning! I was up a full 2 hours before there was light in the sky! That is not okay! I am a human being I should not be fumbling with a curling iron and mascara wand before the sun even comes up like a savage animal.

Did you not see I was only on my first cup of coffee?

Did you not see I was only on my first cup of coffee?

These feelings about early mornings are not my fault. They are in my genes. I thrive after 9PM, so it is only fitting that my “morning” is the middle of the afternoon. I was not born until 1:23PM and even then I came out crying “Just 5 more minutes!” Man, “Just 5 more minutes” should be the theme song to my childhood. If my Mom had a nickel for every time we exchanged, “Mom, just fiiiive more minutes.” “Okay, FIVE minutes, but then you HAVE to get up for school,” she’d have enough money to make it worth having to deal with me every morning for 12 years. I could usually get away with 2 “five more minutes”s and 1 “I don’t feel good”s before Mom had enough and threatened to leave the house without me. For some reason, this always worked even though I did not want to go where she was going and without me, she really did not have to go anywhere at all right then. I cannot believe I am only just now realizing this. I feel duped. I should have risked getting popped in the mouth and said, “Go ahead and leave without me, but you’re gonna look pretty foolish dropping of NO ONE at school!” Man, was I a chump. Well played, Mom.

My Mom drove a covered wagon when I was a kid?

My Mom drove a covered wagon when I was a kid?

College, when I had to set an alarm and wake up on my own for, I’m not embarrassed to say, the first time in my life, was, very literally, a rude awakening. Waking up to the blaring ERRRRNNNNTTTT ERRRRNNNNTTTT ERRRRNNNNTTTT of an alarm clock instead of my Mom gently (at first) singing “Good morning, Glory!” felt like the worst thing that could happen to a person. It is then that I started the “Just 5 more minutes” relationship with the snooze button. What a terrible invention, the snooze button! “Yes, please! I would LOVE to relive the absolute WORST part of my day over and over again every 5 minutes for the next half hour!” And it is not like I spend those 5 minutes actually sleeping. I use them to compromise with myself about what is absolutely  necessary to get out the door. “I can snooze for 5 more minutes, but I won’t have time to wash my hair.” “Okay, if I skip a shower completely, I get 5 more minutes.” “Five more minutes—I won’t wash my face and I’ll pop some gum instead of brushing my teeth.” “If I don’t go to class at all, I get a whole hour and a half. Who needs history anyway? Mayflower, Thanksgiving, Revolution, Nixon breaks open the water gate in the Berlin Wall allowing Reagan to knock it down. I got it, so give me another snooze.” Of course, these days, we have the ten minute snooze which is probably the worst thing to happen to America since Chris Daughtry went, “American Idol? What’s that?” A ten minute snooze allows just enough time to fall back to sleep for about 30 seconds before ERRRRNNNNTTTT ERRRRNNNNTTTT. I go through 2 or 3 of those every morning before making the deal, “If you get up now, you can take a nap later.”

*historical picture used with permission from the Smithsonian

*historical picture used with permission from the Smithsonian

The bottom line is, nothing good goes on before 10AM anyway, and in fact, quite the opposite. Hoda and Kathie Lee happens before 10AM in some time zones. Most heart attacks happen before 10AM. The largest portion of morning breath kicks around before 10AM. And, look, if you go in your jammies, you can get up at 10AM and still make it to Hardee’s for a biscuit—and their biscuits really are the best. I mean, the best thing anyone can say about the morning is “The early bird gets the worm.” Really?? That’s supposed to get me out of bed? Worms?? So we’re all agreed, there’s no reason to be awake before 10AM unless it is 5 o’clock in the morning and you are just rolling in from a fun night out. Good meeting, everyone. We got some solid work done here today and we did not have to get up at the crack of dawn to do it. Way to go! Meeting adjourned. Now get out there and seize the middle of the afternoon!

ISAIDBISCUIT

ISAIDBISCUIT

Advertisements

What Can’t Ya Stand Wednesday–Potpourri

What Can’t Ya Stand–Potpourri
There’s no need for it. You put it in a bowl, it makes the room smell like a funeral home for approximately 3 hours, and from then on, its only purpose is apparently to make guests wonder if you’ve put out snacks or not. “Is this a bowl of snacks? It could be some sort of weird trail mix. Will I offend her if I don’t have any? I’ll have a little taste just to see if it is snacks or not…..Oh no! Definitely not snacks!”

...And your house smells like death.

…And your house smells like death.

Here is where this week’s WCYSW becomes a double entendre, if you will. Not only can I not stand physical, odoriferous potpourri (And what’s with the spelling? That “t” is unnecessary!), but now I bring to you, dear readers (aka My Mom) a potpourri of pet peeves. A hodgepodge of things that are not okay with me. Hang on to your toupees. Here we go.

What Can’t Ya Stand–Brushing Your Teeth In The Morning
Don’t get me wrong, it feels so good to get rid of the ol’ morning breath, but here’s the rub: When do you do it? If you brush too close to breakfast, the most important meal of the day is ruined. As my bff Christopher says, “Beer before liquor, never sicker. Orange juice after brushing your teeth, dead.” But what happens if you get rushed and have to eat breakfast en route to your morning meeting? Then you show up with morning mouth AND coffee breath and ain’t nobody interested in that.

potpourri2

What Can’t Ya Stand–The $50 Rule At Target
It does not matter what I go in for, I absolutely cannot get out of Target for less than $48.60. Your price point may be different. My sister’s is $80, but she has a husband and kids, so she has to buy a lot more toilet paper and toys than I do. Why is toilet paper so expensive! It is paper that we wipe our butts with! The requirements are: 1. Make my business dry and 2. Don’t chafe. That should be a relatively inexpensive product to manufacture.

potpourri3

What Can’t Ya Stand–Waiting
Believe it or not, I have actually become more patient over the years. Teaching preschool did that to me. But I still get so impatient while waiting on a red light to change or waiting for my Birchbox to come in the mail or waiting for a person who is on his phone and taking a leisurely stroll across the road to reach the sidewalk so I can make a turn! My roommate David and I have made countless trips to Home Depot over the past month in our feeble attempt to spruce up our new house. (SUCH hard work!) On one such trip, we had been waiting in line for what seemed like my entire life and nothing was happening in front of us. Maybe I was missing something, but it seemed the customer and the cashier were both at a standstill. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “For crying out loud, WHAT is taking so LONG?!” I did not mean to be so indignant, but it worked. Without further transaction, the customer moved it along.

Great song, but still not okay

Great song, but still not okay

What Can’t Ya Stand–Ordering At A Drive-Thru
Pleasant Commercial Voice: “Welcome to McDonald’s. Would you like to try our new fish bites today?”
Me: *I would rather lick a toilet, but you sound invested in your job. This might not be worse than the time I had a gnat in my contact lens after all* “No thank you. I’ll have a #3, cheese only, medium size, with a coke, please.”
Completely Uninterested ACTUAL McDonald’s Employee: “Hold on.”
Me: *Oh, I see. That was a recording. Joke’s on me.*
McDonald’s: “Take your order?”
Me: “I’ll have a #3, cheese only, medium size, with a coke, please.”
McDonald’s: “So, you want a #3?”
Me: “Yes, please”
McDonald’s: “What you want to drink?”
Me: “A coke”
McDonald’s: “What size you want?”
Me: “Medium”
McDonald’s: “Do you want to add muhmuhmah muhmuhmah to that?”
Me: “Huh?” *What, huh? Doesn’t matter what they said. I don’t want it* “No. Did you get cheese only?”
McDonald’s: “Your total is muhmuhmah drive around to muhmuhmah.”
Me: *Did he say first or second window?*
McDonald’s: “Number 3?”
Me: “Yes.”
McDonald’s: “Here you go.”
Me: “Can I please get my coke? And a straw? And some napkins? And my change? Thank you.”
McDonald’s: “Here.”
Me: eats cheeseburger with everything on it.
THE END

potpourri5

What Can’t Ya Stand–Deciding Which “Cousin On Call” Is The Cutest
We just got our DirecTV hooked up so I have been watching the crap out of HGTV. One of my favorite shows is “Cousins on Call”, formerly the “Kitching(?) Cousins”. The show is about these two boys who, I think, are brothers. They swing sledge hammers and wear tight jeans and smile at the camera. Just when you think you’ve decided on the most handsome one, they show the George Clooney one and you think he’s more handsome. Then the other one laughs and he’s the cutest again. Sometimes there are other people on the show. I think the “Cousins on Call” brothers buy the people houses…maybe…? I’m not so much listening to the show as I am planning my wedding to the George Clooney one.

Why is the Pope in a flat top hat performing the ceremony? I'm not even Catholic.

Why is the Pope in a flat top hat performing the ceremony? I’m not even Catholic.

I’ll be back with a traditional WCYSW next week, but I’ll be busting out the potpourri every now and then, so let me know if you have an idea for one. Again, you can text or leave a comment below. And the offer from last week to be my best friend still stands…