I am not a morning person. Never have been, gonna go out on a limb here and say, never will be. If I have to wake up before 9AM, the world is a cruel and unjust place. I do not like to speak words or even see another human face until after 10AM and 2 cups of coffee. And why should I have to? Who decided a workday should start so early? The King? Oprah? Last I checked, those two weren’t in charge anymore. A typical work schedule begins at 8 or 9AM, but today, I had to be at work at 6 o’clock in the morning! I was up a full 2 hours before there was light in the sky! That is not okay! I am a human being I should not be fumbling with a curling iron and mascara wand before the sun even comes up like a savage animal.
These feelings about early mornings are not my fault. They are in my genes. I thrive after 9PM, so it is only fitting that my “morning” is the middle of the afternoon. I was not born until 1:23PM and even then I came out crying “Just 5 more minutes!” Man, “Just 5 more minutes” should be the theme song to my childhood. If my Mom had a nickel for every time we exchanged, “Mom, just fiiiive more minutes.” “Okay, FIVE minutes, but then you HAVE to get up for school,” she’d have enough money to make it worth having to deal with me every morning for 12 years. I could usually get away with 2 “five more minutes”s and 1 “I don’t feel good”s before Mom had enough and threatened to leave the house without me. For some reason, this always worked even though I did not want to go where she was going and without me, she really did not have to go anywhere at all right then. I cannot believe I am only just now realizing this. I feel duped. I should have risked getting popped in the mouth and said, “Go ahead and leave without me, but you’re gonna look pretty foolish dropping of NO ONE at school!” Man, was I a chump. Well played, Mom.
College, when I had to set an alarm and wake up on my own for, I’m not embarrassed to say, the first time in my life, was, very literally, a rude awakening. Waking up to the blaring ERRRRNNNNTTTT ERRRRNNNNTTTT ERRRRNNNNTTTT of an alarm clock instead of my Mom gently (at first) singing “Good morning, Glory!” felt like the worst thing that could happen to a person. It is then that I started the “Just 5 more minutes” relationship with the snooze button. What a terrible invention, the snooze button! “Yes, please! I would LOVE to relive the absolute WORST part of my day over and over again every 5 minutes for the next half hour!” And it is not like I spend those 5 minutes actually sleeping. I use them to compromise with myself about what is absolutely necessary to get out the door. “I can snooze for 5 more minutes, but I won’t have time to wash my hair.” “Okay, if I skip a shower completely, I get 5 more minutes.” “Five more minutes—I won’t wash my face and I’ll pop some gum instead of brushing my teeth.” “If I don’t go to class at all, I get a whole hour and a half. Who needs history anyway? Mayflower, Thanksgiving, Revolution, Nixon breaks open the water gate in the Berlin Wall allowing Reagan to knock it down. I got it, so give me another snooze.” Of course, these days, we have the ten minute snooze which is probably the worst thing to happen to America since Chris Daughtry went, “American Idol? What’s that?” A ten minute snooze allows just enough time to fall back to sleep for about 30 seconds before ERRRRNNNNTTTT ERRRRNNNNTTTT. I go through 2 or 3 of those every morning before making the deal, “If you get up now, you can take a nap later.”
The bottom line is, nothing good goes on before 10AM anyway, and in fact, quite the opposite. Hoda and Kathie Lee happens before 10AM in some time zones. Most heart attacks happen before 10AM. The largest portion of morning breath kicks around before 10AM. And, look, if you go in your jammies, you can get up at 10AM and still make it to Hardee’s for a biscuit—and their biscuits really are the best. I mean, the best thing anyone can say about the morning is “The early bird gets the worm.” Really?? That’s supposed to get me out of bed? Worms?? So we’re all agreed, there’s no reason to be awake before 10AM unless it is 5 o’clock in the morning and you are just rolling in from a fun night out. Good meeting, everyone. We got some solid work done here today and we did not have to get up at the crack of dawn to do it. Way to go! Meeting adjourned. Now get out there and seize the middle of the afternoon!