What Can’t Ya Stand Wednesday–Christmas Carols

I love Christmas. I’m not one for picking favorites because as soon as I do, I think of something else that I love too, but Christmas is probably my favorite holiday. So is Thanksgiving. And the Fourth of July, of course. Part of loving Christmas includes loving Christmas Carols. O Holy Night is my favorite. And Christmas Waltz. However, sometimes when I think too hard about certain Christmas songs, they are not okay with me. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way”? Let me tell ya, if I went on a sleigh ride of any considerable length, I would not be having fun if I had to listen to bells jingling the whole way. And if there’s only one horse pulling that sleigh, you know it is gonna take more than a couple of minutes to get where you’re going. “All I want for Christmas is you”? I guarantee if you walked up into Mariah Carey’s house on Christmas Day and said, “Mimi, darling! I’m your present!” she would demand you leave immediately. Probably not so much for arriving without a legitimate present and more for trespassing. Unless you know Mariah Carey. Maybe you do. I don’t know all the people you know.

"I can't wait to get to Mariah's house...will you shut those jingle bells UP?! I can't even hear myself THINK!"

“I can’t wait to get to Mariah’s house…will you shut those jingle bells UP?! I can’t even hear myself THINK!”

How about, Elvis, “when those blue snowflakes start falling,” you should run because snowflakes are not supposed to be blue and that is probably acid snow. It is in my favorite song, but I don’t like it when “friends are calling ‘yoo-hoo!'” Don’t yell “yoo-hoo” at me, Shawn. You know my name is Cherie! We’ve been neighbors for 15 years!!! As a child, I was never okay with “Jump in bed and cover up your head because Santa Claus comes tonight” unless it was sung on Christmas Eve. Otherwise, I’m like, “He DOESN’T come TONIGHT and shame on you for getting my hopes up!” I was also always baffled by the kid who thought hilarity would ensue if his Dad caught his Mom kissing another man, even if it was Santa Claus. Adultery is not funny, you stupid kid. He is probably the same stupid kid who let his grandma WALK home at night and when she got run over by a reindeer, all he and his grandpa could say was, “Now we know.” Even though I like the song, the one that goes, “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” seems a little braggy. I mean, there are kids in the world buying Christmas shoes for their Mom who will probably not make it to the new year. I am all for reminding people to be generous and thankful, especially during the holiday season, but can we maybe be a little less depressing about it? I had no idea where that Christmas Shoes song was going the first time I heard it and by the end, I was a wreck. Nothing says “Christmas” like lying in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing. Which brings me to the Christmas song that I cannot help but love even though there is absolutely nothing okay about it: Baby, It’s Cold Outside.

Traditionally sung at Christmas, even though it is really more of a generic winter song, Baby, It’s Cold Outside gives off an overall and overwhelming “rapey” vibe. It follows the story of a young man and young woman who have apparently been on a date and are now back at the man’s house. Maybe she just went in to use the bathroom? Maybe she came in for one last drink. What is clear from the song is that she did NOT come in for hanky panky, but it seems the guy will use every trick in the book to convince her she should pank that hank. Let’s look at the subtext, shall we?

Her: I really can’t stay.
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside…
Her: I’ve got to go away.
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside…
Her: Yes, you used that excuse already and I said that I have got to go. Thank you for the date. This evening has been so very nice.
Him: I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice.
Her: I have gloves in my car. My mother and father will be waiting for me and WILL call the cops if I do not come home soon.
Him: Beautiful, what’s your hurry? I built a fire. Beautiful, please don’t hurry.
Her: Look, guy, you can keep calling me “Beautiful”, but that is not gonna get you anywhere with me. If I have half a drink more with you, will you let me leave?
Him: Put some records on while I pour
Her: The neighbors are gonna think I’m a whor…did you put a roofie in this drink??
Him: Oh yeah, your eyes are looking glassy now…
Her: I ought to say “No, no, no sir!”
Him: Mind if I move in closer?
Her: For the record, I WILL say that I tried.
Him: What’s the sense in hurting my pride?
Her: Seriously? You think I am gonna get frisky with you to save your ego?? In case I was not clear earlier, the answer is no.
Him: Gosh, your lips look delicious.
Her: I told my sister your first and last names and she will be suspicious. Also, my brother’s a cop, so…
Him: Waves upon a tropical shore.
Her: I will not go to a second location with you! You’ll have to kill me first!

She goes on to tell him that if she stays, the whole town, including her sour ol’ maiden aunt will talk about what a hussy she is and could she borrow a coat, but he apparently does not care about her reputation and glosses over the request for the coat, in fact, uses a scare tactic to convince her to stay. What kind of a person denies another’s request for a coat and then tells them they’ll get pneumonia and die if they go outside? Not okay, guy. Not okay.

"NO MEANS NO REGARDLESS OF THE WEATHER OUTSIDE!"

“NO MEANS NO REGARDLESS OF THE WEATHER OUTSIDE!”

I’m not sure what it is about Christmas that causes potential romantic partners to act inappropriately, but in the song Last Christmas, we meet a young lady whose love was not reciprocated last year so this year she hides from her former almost-love at a party, even though he does not remember her. Listen, if you gave your heart last Christmas to someone who does not recognize you a year later, you gave your heart away too easily. And DO NOT give your heart to someone special THIS year just to keep from crying! After being rejected last year, you need time to rebound and become happy with yourself before you jump head first into something new with someone you barely know. It sounds like you fall in love too fast anyway. Really take some time with your next relationship and only give your heart when it is mutual and the time is right. It does not have to be at Christmas. Valentine’s Day and Election Day are both very romantic holidays. Having said all of that, let me reiterate, I love Christmas songs and carols. I want to be clear, lest anyone think I am a miser. I am not sure what it says about me considering how I interpret the song, but Baby, It’s Cold Outside is my favorite. The only Christmas songs I cannot like are The Twelve Days of Christmas and Grown Up Christmas List. I’m sorry if you love those songs, but I think they are just the worst. Regardless of your feelings on any Christmas tune, I hope you Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and a Happy New Year! See you in 2014!

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