What Can’t Ya Stand Wednesday—When Sophia Coppola Bumps Into Your Purse

Picture it: West Hollywood, 2012: A beautiful young lady with an oversized ponytail is standing beside the accessories table at a fancy boutique on Melrose Ave. Blown up paparazzi shots of Katy Perry and one of those Kardashian people leaving the store with bags upon bags of overpriced t-shirts that say stupid things like “Model/Actress” or “Spoiled” (uh…no doyee) decorate the walls. The aforementioned beautiful young lady with the oversized ponytail (It is my story and I’ll be beautiful if I want to!) picks up a neon-pink plastic beaded necklace, the type of which she always thought would be fun to wear, but she cannot bring herself to pay $14 for one at Target. She flips over the price tag. $58. Oh that’s reasonable. Not! She puts it down, thinking to herself, “Even were I a Bazillionaire, I would never pay $58 for plastic beads. It’s the principle of it,” even though she knows she would. Or she’d at least pay the $14 at Target for them. The reason she is at the store is not as important as the confidentiality agreement she signed, so let’s just accept the fact that she is there and it does not matter why. As the young lady stood still, wondering what she could write that would be important enough to fill the blank pages of a $70 journal she held, she was startled out of her daydream by a firm bump to her purse. Usually she would be the first to apologize in a situation such as this because, even after a childhood filled with ballet classes, her balance is quite terrible and she cannot always keep her “tall personage” out of the way of others. But in this instance, the young lady was standing completely still and anyone could see that there was no way this was her fault, so she looked up from the blank journal expecting to hear an apology already on its way. Instead, as she lifted her head, she was met with the steely gaze of the offender. A gaze that says, “Is it you who is attached to the purse that got in my way? How dare you and it.” And without a word between them, the offender turned and walked away. That beautiful young lady with the oversized ponytail was me. And the person who bumped into my purse was director, Academy Award winning screenwriter, and Hollywood royalty, Sophia Coppola.

Now, to be fair, Sophia Coppola was probably in her own dream world at the time and may not have really realized that she even bumped into me. Maybe her look back at me was not meant to say, “How dare you,” but perhaps, “I should write a story about a girl with an oversized ponytail,” or something to that effect. But if I give her the benefit of the doubt, I have no reason to complain, so we’re going with the former. In the moment, I thought, “Oh, I’m sorry my STATIONARY purse was in the exact path from which you apparently could not POSSIBLY deviate, Sophia Coppola!” But then I was like, “Well, she is Sophia Coppola. She’s kind of brilliant and she’s won an Oscar and stuff, so I guess it’s fine if she bumps into my purse and does not say ‘Excuse me’.” So THEN I was like, “Who else is it fine if they bump into my purse and do not say ‘Excuse me’?” George Clooney? Duh. Meryl Streep? Of course. Ron Howard? Bump away, Opie! Any of the Friends? Probably. What if it’s Ross, though? Eh, now we’re getting into a gray area. Kevin James? Absolutely not. I will never forgive him for Paul Blart: Mall Cop and I would never forgive him bumping into my purse.

You APOLOGIZE, Kevin James! You apologize RIGHT NOW for bumping into my purse and for Grown Ups 1 and 2!

You APOLOGIZE, Kevin James! You apologize RIGHT NOW for bumping into my purse and for Grown Ups 1 and 2!

Look, if I’m being honest, I would let pretty much anyone bump into my purse without repercussion because I talk real big and bad, but I’ve got no guts. Speaking of Guts, it would be fine if Mike O’Malley bumped into my purse. I’m just saying, it would be nice if everyone could be polite enough to say “Sorry” or “Excuse me” if they bump into my purse, even if they were a Friend who was not Ross and they think they are too good to say “Sorry” to common folk like me. (Courtney Cox and Lisa Kudrow have both smiled at me. Just a little something extra for you, Reader.) Of course, in Sophia Coppola’s case, if she was dreaming up another radical movie like Eternal Sunshine, and my stupid purse broke her concentration, then I am really really sorry and that look she gave me was completely warranted. But if she was just walking around thinking about puppies or Spaghetti-Ohs or whatever, then shame on her for not only not saying “Excuse me” but also for making me ever consider that her bumping into my purse might be my fault. So the convoluted lesson today is this: Even if you are a celebrity, it is still nice to apologize if you bump into someone’s purse because they may hold you in such high regard that it does not matter to them, but on the other hand, you may be that person’s Kevin James and they could get mad at you. Also, if you see Sophia Coppola coming at you, do not assume she will see your purse and not bump into it. Maybe mine was an isolated incident, but is it really worth taking that chance? Definitely something to consider.


What Can’t Ya Stand Wednesday–Potpourri

What Can’t Ya Stand–Potpourri
There’s no need for it. You put it in a bowl, it makes the room smell like a funeral home for approximately 3 hours, and from then on, its only purpose is apparently to make guests wonder if you’ve put out snacks or not. “Is this a bowl of snacks? It could be some sort of weird trail mix. Will I offend her if I don’t have any? I’ll have a little taste just to see if it is snacks or not…..Oh no! Definitely not snacks!”

...And your house smells like death.

…And your house smells like death.

Here is where this week’s WCYSW becomes a double entendre, if you will. Not only can I not stand physical, odoriferous potpourri (And what’s with the spelling? That “t” is unnecessary!), but now I bring to you, dear readers (aka My Mom) a potpourri of pet peeves. A hodgepodge of things that are not okay with me. Hang on to your toupees. Here we go.

What Can’t Ya Stand–Brushing Your Teeth In The Morning
Don’t get me wrong, it feels so good to get rid of the ol’ morning breath, but here’s the rub: When do you do it? If you brush too close to breakfast, the most important meal of the day is ruined. As my bff Christopher says, “Beer before liquor, never sicker. Orange juice after brushing your teeth, dead.” But what happens if you get rushed and have to eat breakfast en route to your morning meeting? Then you show up with morning mouth AND coffee breath and ain’t nobody interested in that.


What Can’t Ya Stand–The $50 Rule At Target
It does not matter what I go in for, I absolutely cannot get out of Target for less than $48.60. Your price point may be different. My sister’s is $80, but she has a husband and kids, so she has to buy a lot more toilet paper and toys than I do. Why is toilet paper so expensive! It is paper that we wipe our butts with! The requirements are: 1. Make my business dry and 2. Don’t chafe. That should be a relatively inexpensive product to manufacture.


What Can’t Ya Stand–Waiting
Believe it or not, I have actually become more patient over the years. Teaching preschool did that to me. But I still get so impatient while waiting on a red light to change or waiting for my Birchbox to come in the mail or waiting for a person who is on his phone and taking a leisurely stroll across the road to reach the sidewalk so I can make a turn! My roommate David and I have made countless trips to Home Depot over the past month in our feeble attempt to spruce up our new house. (SUCH hard work!) On one such trip, we had been waiting in line for what seemed like my entire life and nothing was happening in front of us. Maybe I was missing something, but it seemed the customer and the cashier were both at a standstill. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “For crying out loud, WHAT is taking so LONG?!” I did not mean to be so indignant, but it worked. Without further transaction, the customer moved it along.

Great song, but still not okay

Great song, but still not okay

What Can’t Ya Stand–Ordering At A Drive-Thru
Pleasant Commercial Voice: “Welcome to McDonald’s. Would you like to try our new fish bites today?”
Me: *I would rather lick a toilet, but you sound invested in your job. This might not be worse than the time I had a gnat in my contact lens after all* “No thank you. I’ll have a #3, cheese only, medium size, with a coke, please.”
Completely Uninterested ACTUAL McDonald’s Employee: “Hold on.”
Me: *Oh, I see. That was a recording. Joke’s on me.*
McDonald’s: “Take your order?”
Me: “I’ll have a #3, cheese only, medium size, with a coke, please.”
McDonald’s: “So, you want a #3?”
Me: “Yes, please”
McDonald’s: “What you want to drink?”
Me: “A coke”
McDonald’s: “What size you want?”
Me: “Medium”
McDonald’s: “Do you want to add muhmuhmah muhmuhmah to that?”
Me: “Huh?” *What, huh? Doesn’t matter what they said. I don’t want it* “No. Did you get cheese only?”
McDonald’s: “Your total is muhmuhmah drive around to muhmuhmah.”
Me: *Did he say first or second window?*
McDonald’s: “Number 3?”
Me: “Yes.”
McDonald’s: “Here you go.”
Me: “Can I please get my coke? And a straw? And some napkins? And my change? Thank you.”
McDonald’s: “Here.”
Me: eats cheeseburger with everything on it.


What Can’t Ya Stand–Deciding Which “Cousin On Call” Is The Cutest
We just got our DirecTV hooked up so I have been watching the crap out of HGTV. One of my favorite shows is “Cousins on Call”, formerly the “Kitching(?) Cousins”. The show is about these two boys who, I think, are brothers. They swing sledge hammers and wear tight jeans and smile at the camera. Just when you think you’ve decided on the most handsome one, they show the George Clooney one and you think he’s more handsome. Then the other one laughs and he’s the cutest again. Sometimes there are other people on the show. I think the “Cousins on Call” brothers buy the people houses…maybe…? I’m not so much listening to the show as I am planning my wedding to the George Clooney one.

Why is the Pope in a flat top hat performing the ceremony? I'm not even Catholic.

Why is the Pope in a flat top hat performing the ceremony? I’m not even Catholic.

I’ll be back with a traditional WCYSW next week, but I’ll be busting out the potpourri every now and then, so let me know if you have an idea for one. Again, you can text or leave a comment below. And the offer from last week to be my best friend still stands…

What Can’t Ya Stand Wednesday–Jacked Up Prices

Look, I am poor. You were probably thinking that us here at Cup ‘o’ Fourtay are making millions off our comic genius, but let me set the record straight–we are not. And I am poor. But I love to buy cute clothes so what’s a girl to do? She asks for Michael Kors and Nine West for Christmas and supplements them with Target and Goodwill the rest of the year, that’s what she does. Sorry, Michael. Let me tell ya something about Target, though. They have gotten really proud of their garments. Where you used to could get a dress for $19.99 tops, you will now pay $39.99! And I say “you will” because I KNOW I’m not paying forty bucks for a dress at Target. I am not much into labels, but if I was gonna spend $40 on a dress, I’d get BCBG at Marshall’s, not Mossimo from, let’s be honest, fancy Walmart.

“I like your jeggings, ma’am. Are they Selena Gomez?”
“Uh…yeah, kid.”

Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with buying clothes at Target or Walmart or even Kmart. Selena Gomez, for instance, has a very cute line at Kmart. Not that I have bought anything from it. Unless that would be okay with everyone for a woman my age to wear clothes designed by and for a pre-teen, in which case, I have 3 tops and a pair of jeggings. Here’s what I am saying: Yes, Target has cute clothes, but if I am buying pants at the same place where I buy shaving cream and tampons, I should not have to pay more than $14.99 for them. Disagree with me if you will, but you will be wrong. Target has crossed a line and it is not okay with me. I am not the only one, either. I interviewed TWO other ladies and they BOTH said they don’t even look at the new clothes at Target anymore. They said they go straight for the sale rack. I said, “Me too! We’re triplets!” and we all laughed. The research does not lie.

You guys, I am not gonna mention the name of the store for fear of retribution, but I was shopping for shoes yesterday at a store where one might expect to “pay less”…if you catch my drift…Pay…Less…Payless. I was at Payless. They wanted $59.99 for a pair of half boots made of all synthetic materials. SIXTY DOLLARS!! That is outrageous! Well, in my perfected passive-aggressive way, I sure showed them. I farted right there in the middle of the size 7 1/2s and promptly took my business elsewhere. Sure, I often fart by accident in shoe stores…and clothing stores…and grocery stores…I mean, anywhere, really…but this was a purposeful act of protest on behalf of the people and you are all welcome very much. Let this be a lesson to you, Target and the like. Keep those prices reasonable because I will not hesitate to fart in your aisles too. That is not a threat, it’s a promise.